animal leave
baap | 7 July 2005, 2:43am
The willing to speak is lost
For if i utter, it will be at a heavy cost
I should purge this insidious silence
...am to afraid to consummate this absence
So much to say, so much to tell
SO much to ask...about that now lost spell
you hopped away, you little frog you
leaving me an amphibian desire
sometimes wet sometimes drier....
You flew away, you little peregrine you
leaving me in a flight of time
i think...sometimes a sin...sometimes a crime
you ran away, you little rabbit you
leaving me in a burrow of hope
digging deeper...further you elope
How now do i speak to you
for i am left to only a human few
how now do i meet with you
for you're headed to a western dew.
/\ \/
Current Mood: Happy Indeed!
Current Music: A tribute to Slavinka
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Everybody...Somebody...Noone...
baap | 4 July 2005, 11:42pm
Thats how its been...a monotonically deteorating level of tolerance....towards People. I loved the world for what it was and for what is wasnt....
for its vicisssitudious weather, the vicissitudes always complementing mine....
for its grass...which sustainied the intricacies of small things
for its air..which could be breathed..which could cause a lack of breathing
for its sand...which was a familiar "ocular" visitor....
for its sky...which diffracted the limitless shades of blue...
for its people....who spoke and listened....
This was a time...when everthing was On track...or atleast when the track was being laid...everything seemed so novel, new, remarkable and fantastic. People were fantastic, unpredictable...capricious rather...disconnected...and private..to themselves.
I tread the track.....
the weather sickens me...i sweat and i shiver....
the grass stinks....i keep stepping on the intricacies of excretion...
the air stinks too...the breath is smelly and injurious
the sand...well..it still visits the ocular..but has "distasteful" trysts....
the sky stays blue....
the people start speaking relentlessly....
This was a time....of chosing, of making decisions...of being perpetually rhetoric....people start connecting...and infringe upon private and personal space.
The derailment......
the weather....is forecasted....
the grass is wet.....
the air howls....
the sand....is perennially transported....
the sky redeems itself....
the people start assuming.....and stop listening.
The clock keeps ticking.....
Am i nobody, a noone?
No, i am a somebody to everyone
But am i a somebody for someone?...
/\ \/
Current Mood: Angry
Current Music: Polyushka Polye - Russian Red Army Chorus
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BAAP Begins /\ \/
baap | 24 June 2005, 12:52am
I have returned to blogging.< ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Why i began to blog.
My first post i clearly remember was about Friends. It was a rather extreme and strong view on the concept of "Friends". At that point of time I was flustered by the exaggeration of the concept of Friendship, sometimes plagiarized from the popular television sitcom of the same name. People, in general, i felt were taking the concept to un-necessary extremes. They were justifying a set of misdeeds under the concept. They were violating other people's privacy and were asserting that Friendship is above all forms of privacy and reservations. I wont say that i was mistaken, on the contrary, i would say i was right to
the dot.I was although mistaken in generalizing a concept which i experienced among a very limited number of people,
ironically all of them eccentric and diverse in their own right, to a whole set of people who believed that they had strong
friendships.
I still maintain that until now, Friendship remains to be a mere concept to me. A concept which takes on many forms;
related interests, related opinions, un-related but equally proportionate responses and attitudes, kindred spirits and a flurry of other permutations. I remain to be a finitude by nature in this regard. Although i believe that human emotion is of infinite proportions, it is sadly decided by finite parameters in today's society. I know i am wrong in saying it, generally speaking. Specifically though and at least to what I have experienced, friendship is not as yet too great to take
pride in. It symbolizes a seminal point in the degradation of moralities in a lot of people's lives. Drugs, Domestic Violence, rebellion, STUPIDITY, FINANCIAL WOES. These and other such anomies, i have noticed have been caused not by Friendship per se but in simple misguidance which can be more than rectified by this very concept itself.
....hence i began to extend my writings to the public domain.
A gauntlet of penned thoughts....
Blogging was probably the best way of doing a lot of things which were before left to solitary reminisces aka MULLING.
Mulling is the worst form of a degrading and perpetual thought process which is incessant and never ceases to stop.
My blogs are artifacts to me, concrete manifestations of a predominantly visual world. The power of a word, a phrase, a sentence and a paragraph especially one created by one's own mind gives immense satisfaction, i reluctantly add, regardless of the content.
This basically sums it up:
What a single word can do!
Thrilling all the heart-strings through,
Calling forth fond memories,
Raining round hope's melodies,
Steeping all in one bright hue -
What a single word can do!
What a single word can do!
Making life seem all untrue,
Driving joy and hope away,
Leaving not one cheering ray,
Blighting every flower that grew -
What a single word can do!
The other day someone said to me while sitting in a audience, quoting from those much despised self help books; the average
human mind thinks per day 60,000 distinct thoughts. I chuckled, just to make a point to the author I deliberated on 60,001
thoughts in that instant of time.
Penning down my thoughts, expressing my opinions is something i have recently realized to but a fraction of my potential. From Submarines to Subversiveness; from AMD's to WMD's; from emotion to affliction,
everything i thought in a profound manner was typed onto something called a post. Though it was just an extract of what i actually intended to portray, it was there, it was visible, it was written.
A lull to mull....again
I stopped...blogging...i made a conscious and calculated decision that i should stray away from the public domain and resign to being content with these written records in an exclusively secret and undisclosed location. I hated it...I hate secrets, I felt i was "writing" behind my own back. That time though I perceived this differently, i was writing in a frenzy, was becoming a zealot of the font. I would sometimes, go into a trance while writing/typing and be completely oblivious to my
surroundings, something that is "extremely" and criminally uncharacteristic of me.
I am a pathological observer, to favour familiarity..for all of those who have seen the movie "SPY GAME". The time Robert Redford makes "tactical inferences" from the the imagery derived off a spoon...well you get the picture.
Anyway, i was carried away, and when i customarily read out
my blog, i found myself writing things i should have rather kept "PRIVATE". NOT SECRET, but private.
I hate to delete what i have done, to undo what has been done...(Exxcuse the circumlocution, favours melodrama...which i like!!!)
I resent it. I would never deny my expressions, so instead of stopping to BLOG...i moved to an "undisclosed location". Those scripts will be de-classified soon enough..
Thus, I began to mull...AGAIN! The mulling this time over though, was a concurrent activity to something i refer to
as an "Immortal Witness": READING. This way i was thinking, reading, comprehending, perceiving and mulling at the same time. All abutting themselves in distinct forms
Understandable and acceptable...by all means.
The return....
BATMAN...spurred me on to re-consider blogging. I saw the movie circumstantially alone, only to realise that I
Current Mood: Grand
Current Music: Russian Red Army Choir - Soviet National Anthem
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Selected verbiage...
baap | 3 May 2005, 8:10pm
And generally let every student of nature take this as a rule, -- that whatever his mind seizes and dwells upon with peculiar satisfaction is to be held in suspicion, and that so much the more care is to be taken in dealing with such questions to keep the understanding even and clear.
First, then, there is hearsay knowledge, by which, for example, I know the day of my birth. Second, vague experience, "empirical" knowledge in the derogatory sense, as when a physician knows a cure not by any scientific formulation of experimental tests, but by a "general impression" that it has "usually" worked. Third, immediate deduction, or knowledge reached by reasoning, as when I conclude to the immensity of the sun from seeing that in the case of other objects distance decreases the apparent size. This kind of knowledge is superior to the other two, but is yet precariously subject to sudden refutation by direct experience; so science for a hundred years reasoned its way to an "ether" which is now in high disfavor with the physicist elite. Hence the highest kind of knowledge is the fourth form, which comes by immediate deduction and direct perception, as when we see at once that 6 is the missing number in the proportion, 2:4::3:x; or as when we perceive that the whole is greater than the part.
Whenever, then, anything in nature seems to us ridiculous, absurd or evil, it is because we have but a partial knowledge of things, and are in the main ignorant of the order and coherence of nature as a whole, and because we want everything to be arranged according to the dictates of our own reason; although in fact, what our reason pronounces bad is not bad as regards the order and laws of universal nature, but only as regards the laws of our own nature taken separately . . . . As for the terms good and bad, they indicate nothing positive considered in themselves. . . . For one and the same thing can at the same time be good, bad, and indifferent. For example, music is good to the melancholy, bad to mourners, and indifferent to the dead.
Current Mood: Bye!
Current Music: Jammin - Bob Marley
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meden agan
baap | 30 April 2005, 2:35am
meden agan - nothing in excess.
He does not expose himself needlessly to danger, since there are few things for which he cares for sufficiently; but he is willing, in great crisis, to give even his life,- knowing that iun certain conditions it is not worth wile to live. He is of a disposition to do men service, though he is ashamed to have a service done to him. He does not take part in public displays...He is open in his dislikes and preferences; he talks and acts frankly, because of his contempt for men and things...He is never fired with admiration, since there is nothing great in his eyes. He cannot live in complaisance with others, except it be a friend...He never feels malice, and always forgets and passes over injuries...He is not fond of talking...It is no concern of his that he should be praised, or that others should be blamed. He does not speak evil of others, even of his enemies, unless it be to themselves. His carriage is sedate, his voice deep, his speech measured; he is not given to hurry, for he is concerned about only a few things; he is not prone to vehemence, for he thinks nothing very important. A shrill voice and hasty steps come to a man through care....He bears the accidents of life with dignity and grace, making the best of his circumstances, like a skilful general...who marshals his limited forces with all the strategy of war...He is his own best friend, and takes delight in privacy whereas the man of no virtue or ability is his own worst enemy, and is afraid of solitude.
Such is the ideal man of Aristotle, who by no means is metaphysical...
/\ \/
Current Mood: Bye!
Current Music: Earth,Wind,Fire - September
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Pee-Wee Herman...talks about "Effluent Treatment involving Heavy Metal Ions"
baap | 23 April 2005, 4:27pm
Today, is a special day. Remember Pee-Wee herman? He always used to give "the word-of-the-day" and the whole show was dedicated on the usage of that word, or actions related to that word, or talk about related subjects. Pee Wee herman unfortunately became a victim of drug usage, anyway it formed the basis of my thought-process of not letting anything get by me, be it "the-word-of-the-day" or any other thing. Personal Interest? HUH ? what is that..?Favourability towards certain subjects in life is not my thing. My life is constantly fuelled by the urge to know more and more, and just know!!! Its not a question of conquering a particular strata of knowledge, or academic flamboyancy, its the dogma called the "innate thirst for knowledge", predominantly a feature which is widespread among the species called Human. < ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /> OK !! then...so the phrase for today is : "Effluent-tretment from tanneries".Lets go n see what is there to learn about it, i dont know jackshit about it, although i have a feeling the "jackshit" forms a part of what i will be learning today. So shall we proceed ? YES we surely will
Current Mood: Destructive
Current Music: Music that keeps me from blowing up from the inside....oooh yeah
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Viola Villa, back to the Second Home
baap | 14 April 2005, 2:04am
Going back to the second home.....
A second home! AH! I love my second home. First a brief description: There exists this compound in South Lallaguda aka conventionally known as Tarnaka, which consists of probably the most happy and content people ive ever known. This property is called Viola Villa, surprisingly i never bothered to find out the meaning or hsitory behind the name, except for the fact that i was rather content with the repeated occurence of the letter V. (*grins)! Its a compound, which consists of a "Main House", and other "auxillaries" signifying that the parents/grand parents of the joint family residing on the compound, occupy the "Man House". The auxillaries vary in size depending on the age of the chidren and relative financial status of the children/parents.
This is a joint family to say the least, oh! no! not at all the ones occuring on the Saas-Bahu themes, but rather a more relaxed, i guess a more jovial environement..although there has been in the past visible tension...amongst the numerous "koddalu"s and"alludu"s. Oh! Yeah, fantastic tales of mature adults having year long bouts of silence over acceptance disparities about maid-servants/food...etc.
I entered this property as a 2 year old, the farthest i can remember atleast, bascially..i have a cousin living in one of the "auxillaries". Hence, started a 10 or more year long saga which culminates into what i call "the second home". My cousin and i were initially the typical cousins, having all the same childish pursuits of exploration and all the innocent stuff. But adoloscence, like always, changes a whole lotta things, he got girlfriends, i didn't..i got a computer, he didn't. He "continued" playing cricket, i "continued" studying.
Basically there ended the mutual "cousin" understandings and relationship, but the bond with the house, I never lost. It was the house i always wanted to live in; the one with a real garden with real vegetation, seperate "auxillaries" for the servant quarters, a SUMMER HOUSE!!!! Long halls, huge bedrooms, and stuff like that! The main house which initially was the only house with a tv, saw all the children of the compound (about 5-6 of them) coming and watching Cartoons, and cheering for either "Grandizer" or "Ninja Robots" or "Small Wonder".
There were 3 boys, and 2 girls when i was a kid, all of us cousins in some way or the other. All 3 boys being older, had their own seperate fun, while the 2 girls had their bringing up done by the "kodallu"s and the parents respectively. There were times when i stayed in this house for months together, never wanting to return home except for that unexpected bout of a bronchitis attack, where i had to be nursed back to health only to go back and be part of the fun.
Sports was the bloodline of this house and moresoever, Cricket ran through everyone's veins. I can only imagine how many times we played cricket, with each other, how many times we fought over whether the ball hit the imaginary wicket or not. Even in this prospect, benefit of the doubt was usually given to the batsman, although he was totally unaware of the dimensions of the wicket. It was totally based upon a balance of intuition and convincing ability (trump card being "mother dead promise"), a phrase which whenever used, sent the oppsing team back, resigning to the fact that they couldnt handle the intensity of the situation.
I saw my first episode of Baywatch there, developed my craving for the "American Goodies" over there, plucked my first fruits, climbed my first wall, and a whole list of athletic "firsts". But most probably the most important of all, i discovered a normal childhood there, one where evenings was by defacto playing time, nights was dinner and sleep ONLY, mornings were "sweet chappati"!!!! Sure, there were fights among us kids, which wavered between one being jealous over the other for being either too good in sports or the other being too good in studies (RELATIVELY SPEAKING). But at the end of the day, everything fizzled off over probably an action packed NightRider/StreetHawk/He-Man episode.
Whew! There is so much to talk about this place..i can probably recollect every incident that ever took place there. It was the conventional children's haven. Even now, as i write this down, a new generation of children is growing up right there! Now there are a set of twins also!
Viola Villa
/\ \/ (See!!! :D)
Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: Go with the flow - QOTSA
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The essence of Sense
baap | 31 March 2005, 1:21am
The sense
In my head there is a little thing called a sense
It has no defined role, no compulsory cerebral essence
Its free like the wind that sweeps through the stagnant air
It can be full of joy, full of sadness, but also bare
The sense i recall i previously had
was limited to pages and screens, more like a fad
This sense now, which I posess
has extended to people, only to become a mess
The sense now which i posess
is silly and stupid , but thats only the crest
For deep within the epidermal silos
lies a fragment of my previous sense
buried under emotional pillows
Sense is something you need to get
No, no, not get as in learn
Ah! there...this sense u cannot yearn
It is something that just hits you then
hits you, strikes you, whatever that meant
I love my sense for i know it is young
Unlike the covered silos, bearded skin dung
....There goes my sense again
rambling and ranting about losses or gains
Sigh
it is like a boy
Current Mood: Bored
Current Music: Christmas in July - ZERO
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Disabled contemplations
baap | 18 February 2005, 3:33am
When you walk down a long road, while thinking intensely about something, you stop later to find out how much distance you have covered. Part of you takes pride in the fact of covering so much distance in a percievably less amount of time while a major part of you laments on how you missed out seeing the things along that traversed path.It happens to me quite often actually in reality, but in retrospect, in overview of my life, this "walk of life" has been similar. I turn back to see now on how much distance i have covered. I do take pride in how much i have traversed/achieved, in the friendships i have made, kept, broken, and re-established again only to be more stronger. I am fully aware of this quite un-necessary "prophetic" way of speaking, partly it has been influenced by just seeing LOTR, partly because efectively i have a broken leg and wear a knee brace maufactured by a company called MGRM (May God Rehabilitate Mankind), and partly because i finally realise that the people i care for do care for me too.
Illustrations:
Before though, this wasn't true. Friendship, as much as i have despised the explicit usage of the term, was a mere statistic to me, a metric which was more of a calculable quantity than an abstract, natural force which forms the basis for everything ranging from Society to Anhiliation. I denied it while it was presented to me, i yearned for it while it was taken away from me. No i havent lost any friends, nor have any paths been crossed (while i look back). Its just that, as i sit here partially disabled, contemplating on my relationship with people around me and my responses to the things i need to respond to, i find no errors neither do i find any successes. I once said "I am not happy with life, rather content", dint know jackshit of what i was saying at that time, it was more of a "HMPH kya boley...moment" than anything else. Now though i think i can understand the difference between being Happy and being Content. I can confidently say that from the age of around 9 until now, i was never happy but very content. Be it academic success or family harmony or friendly relations, none of the afore mentioned 3 parameters possessed equal magnitudes.
This is a time for rest, a time for inconsequential contemplation not disturbed by unnecessary complexity nor neglect. The past 2 and a half hours watching LOTR on HBO with the uncut scenes lead me to this piece of verse. A silent message, which i recommend to whisper rather than read aloud:
A soldier is wounded in the daily battle
He retires into sobriety, a place without societal cackle
Movement is restricted, but thought emancipated
After lengthy days and nights, both tainted
Tainted with hope, tainted with joy
Tainted with sorrow, tainted after a cry
He remains tainted, this wounded soldier
The stain remains, but the scar is mere
Nursed himself did he, before the wound
To have begot a feeling he should have felt soon
Take heed my friend who thinks thou are bad
You love too much, too many, to be had
Take rest my friend for you are tired
Exasperated by those, those who have made you a crier
I have cried alone which is of great crime
For if i shared my sorrow, it would need less time
I have loved alone which is of great shame
For if my love was shared, it would need less pain
Take rest my friend for you have long to go
For if you rest, you can "sing a poh"
Whew...wok...just finished seeing Futurama..and all can "kiss my shiny metal ass...goodbye"! Futurama rocks totally! It very well could be the closest interpretation of future 1000 years from now, leaving apart of course the All-purpose spray and the portable suicide booths and the robot whos got "mojo". Anyway, its a fun show with cartoons yelling out stuf like ass and other lower ordered tv-biased profanities which would make the higher-ordered profanity user go "ooooh".
The other day, i went to this lake..yup a lake beside me college. There were 4 of us males. I use the word males, due to lack of contextual choice. I cant use guys..because we dont fit into that stereotype, i cant say men, because apparently i "no longer" fit into that stereotype (cause: Shaving has reduced by visible age to 14, nothing to do with sexual preference!). Males though seems apt, because we all share the same caveman carnal once-in-a-while hard on when we see Katrina Kaif or something like that.
There ends the similarity though, anyway 3 of us males got stoned while the remaining one literally got STONED, whcih resulted in the karmic completion of a cycle which was ensuing among 3 outta the 4 males. Illustrations :
As far as the road goes (Woo-Hoo PUN!...i think), there's still a whole lotta road to go before the next time i look back, but now that i do look back, i am content and well maybe even a li'll happy.Hopefully the next time i make the restrospected turn of the head, i wont be physically maimed.Illustrations of mera injury:
As i start walking again, there are people right now who are making their OWN stops, people who im sure will turn back and look at nothing but sludge and as i put it "Duttyness". The above poem applies to them too.Oh ! and i totally forgot, now after i make this stop, i walk ahead signing and prolly a small jive also...YES!!!! Song and Dance (Both preferably soliratily done) shall accompany me where-ever i go...(Yoddle yaeeeeeeee ooooooooooh).
PS: Walking funda motivated by my current disability to walk due to repetition of damage to the crucial or lateral ligaments in the knee region.
/\ \/ 
Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: Nights in white Satin - Moody BLues
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Anti-emotionalist...
baap | 5 February 2005, 9:02am
This week has been Strangely Normal...apart from the korniest and most monotonous starting to yet another post! Heer goes....I feel elevated, less encumbered, light..mentally speaking. Although my work load has been increasing progressively over the week, its the mind that is like.....taking a vacation of sorts and brain jumping into the front seat. Emotions have overwhelmed me for a long time now....something that i always wanted to be overwhelmed by emotions. But this wasnt a deluge of emotional pleasure or rather emotional expereinces. It was emoional HELL!
Everything became this SOB-SAD strory....everything...songs,places/weather/people..they were just a source to one bigh HELLUVA WHINE. I hate whining, i just despise it...it sickens me to the core....and to know i was doing it...made it even more disgusting. I was pissed with myself.Yesterday i maroed dialogue....i am not happy with my life, but i m content. Im sorry that was a WHINE. Over the past couple of months, i have whined like no one before, and the worstt part is, I actually made people listen to it...While doing it i was convincing myself, that i have open up more to people...Hence i WHINE???? Bullcrap!
I have learnt that, at the drop of a hat you can be made into an emotional play thing....its like those extremely flexible sponge ball thingys you become...when you become emotional with a person, you arent sure trusts you, likes you, hell loves you...I felt like that and godammit will i regret it for the rest of my life. From now i make a vow never ever to OPEN UP TO ANYONE i feel is unsure/vague about the person i am, the friend i am to them etc etc in that order of aquaintance....
You just have to remain this Clandestine piece of bullcrap, always walking among shadows, always changing the topic dextrously when someone asks you something personal. This World is one sad place....i tell you..People arent sure about anything anymore...Some bum wants to be kewl, someoe wants to ace the GRE, someone wants to conduct a frikking college fest...while some just want either be loved or be hated! Simple 2 sided equation...nothing in the middle....From now i judge things only on whether i love or hate them! Humans in this age of "urbanization", "metrosexualness", "Sitcom (fukking) savvy" arent deserving to posess a myriad of emotions....especially those who are judged both by performance in absolute things and abstract things..Hence i take upon the shame of being a Human in this sad..unsure world and become an Anti-emotionalist...Yeah i know what im giving up on....im giving up on the very essence of humanity...liberality....diversity...but on the other hand...posessing qualities like these always have a price tag: WHINING..sitting in your god foresaken suburban apartment and lamenting on what you could have done to make things better...BUT YOU COULDNT HAVE NOTHIN...cz the WHOLE WORLD IS UNSURE....!!!!!!!!!!
Its like a 6 billion strong status quo. From now on, my qualities are encompassed by the following words, words that the Unsure world despises..:
Monotonous
Iterative
Repetitive
Boring
Constant
..oh! and the winner of em all SURE!
If being all the above means, being a reticent person, un-communicative...monosyllabical....rude..THEN SO BE IT.
All this while , i have lived in the stagnant and redundant filth of human emotion that has destroyed me as a performer in this society. (HMPH...KYA BOLEY).
/\ \/
Screw you guys im going home!
Current Mood: Destructive
Current Music: Nananaana Nananaana Hey hey hey goodbye !!
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HMPH....kya boley
baap | 31 January 2005, 4:40am
Another Sunday Night, another exam on Monday.....another day yearning for those elusive "weekend trysts"...Anyway, apart from the un-necessary Weekend Mush...i just played the role, of the character seen in most blockbuster Action Flicks. The role of the "insignificant bystander", who changes the course of the movie....u know the guy who lends his phone/car/bike/life to those Keanu Raves/MelGibson/Bruce Willis/Arny....the insignificant guy who helps in the 11th hour, without whom the hero cannot save the world/get the girl/stop the aliens...etc.etc. Hmmm...weird explanation, but i just had to give a name to the role i played just 5 minutes back.
The story :
Guy near chai bandi...desperately searching for his lost phone, asks "chai amma"..in broken telugu. "mera phone ekkada undi"..
Chai Amma: "Naak emi telusu babu, ikkada enthi mandaru ostharu"
Guy: Arey maki kirkiri..phone kidhar gaya baap
Baap (Overhearing guy's anguish filled vituperations at everything around him including the dogs that are parked by the chai bandi cum chineeez rest-aur-rent waiting for that accidentally dropped, masala covered which would probably end its life within 30 days, chicken piece)
Guy: Arey chai amma....ekkada undi mera phone...nuvvu choosavaa....
Chai Amma : Arey babu, na pani chooskuntunanu...mee phonu chuduledhu....
Guy: Teri maki kirkiri
Baap: *minding own business..sighing on seeing the moon..hoping for that elusive weekend tryst
Guy:Bhai...aapkey paas mobile phone hai
Baap: Haun ji, hai tho mere paas
Guy: Mera phone ghoom gaya...blah blah blah yada yada yada
Baap: Call karkey dekhlengey
*Baap calls
*someone picks up
*Baap lowers tone...makes voice more intimidating
Baap: Arey babu...jis phone par aap baath kar rahey ho...wo aapka phone nahi hain...mein tereku pakadoonga...lekin agar tum bathoagey..tum kidhar ho...humara aur aapka time washte nahi hoga (thinks to himself *HMPH KYA BOLEY MAMA!)
*Guy: HMPH KYA BOLEY MAMA
Phone stealer: Arey kaunsa number chahiye rey....
Baap: Abhey...abhi abhi bola na rey...mere paas...phone number hain...tere paas kya hai...sirf phone hai...jaldi bol warna...dekh (*HMPH.....arey kya boley mama)
Guy: Arey wah wah..
Phone Stealer : Acha dusrey waaley ko diyo phone
*Baap gives phone
*Guy takes phone
Guy: Arey boss...mera phone dedo "dost"
Phone-Stealer:Ye lijiye aapka phone...
*Phone-stealer who happens to be guy's friend...arrives from behind and gives phone...
Guy: Bulley ke baal..maki choot..!
Phone-Stealer: Arey howley...fried rice khaney ke badh phone ko bhool gaya tu...
*Guy & Phone Stealer...full talking off as if they dint see each other for bees saal types
Baap (maintaining low intimidating voice): AHEM!
Guy:: Arey sorry boss...actually mera shop hai yousuf guda mein...aur mere dost...aisey nikley...aur mein phone ke liye dhoond raha tha...aur aap mil gaye....
Baap : Koyi baat nahin....phone mil gaya nah....chalo phir mein chaltoo...
Guy: Arey aisey kaisey chalte aap....kuch to lena eech padega...chalo Mere shop mein...50% discount....aap key paas tho mera phone number hai na (hahahaha)
Baap...(short)..hehe
Guy: mera Naam hafeez hai...aap kabich aaeeyey...aapka chehra..tho abh kabhi bhi nahin bhoolunga....
Baap (*HMPH KYA BOLEY MAMA)
After that baap...went back into the night, back home, back to normal life...filled with monday exam tension and sighs of elusive weekend trysts......his work was done...that of being the "insignificant bystander".
/\ \/
Current Mood: Heroic
Current Music: Bee Gees - How deep is your ....
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Ode On Indolence
baap | 28 January 2005, 11:38pm
One morn before me were three figures seen,< ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
With bowed necks, and joined hands, side-faced;
And one behind the other stepp'd serene,
In placid sandals, and in white robes graced;
They pass'd, like figures on a marble urn,
When shifted round to see the other side;
They came again; as when the urn once more
Is shifted round, the first seen shades return;
And they were strange to me, as may betide
With vases, to one deep in Phidian lore.
How is it, Shadows! that I knew ye not?
How came ye muffled in so hush a mask?
Was it a silent deep-disguised plot
To steal away, and leave without a task
My idle days? Ripe was the drowsy hour;
The blissful cloud of summer-indolence
Benumb'd my eyes; my pulse grew less and less;
Pain had no sting, and pleasure's wreath no flower:
O, why did ye not melt, and leave my sense
Unhaunted quite of all but - nothingness?
A third time pass'd they by, and passing, turn'd
Each one the face a moment whiles to me;
Then faded, and to follow them I burn'd
And ach'd for wings because I knew the three;
The first was a fair Maid, and Love her name;
The second was Ambition, pale of Cheek,
And ever watchful with fatigued eye;
The last, whom I love more, the more of blame
Is heap'd upon her, maiden most unmeek, -
I knew to be my demon Poesy.
They faded, and, forsooth! I wanted wings:
O folly! What is love! and where is it?
And for that poor Ambition! it springs
From a man's little heart's short fever-fit;
For Poesy! - no, - she has not a joy, -
At least for me, - so sweet as drowsy noons,
And evenings steep'd in honied indolence;
O, for an age so shelter'd from annoy,
That I may never know how change the moons,
Or hear the voice of busy common-sense!
And once more came they by; - alas! wherefore?
My sleep had been embroider'd with dim dreams;
My soul had been a lawn besprinkled o'er
With flowers, and stirring shades, and baffled beams:
The morn was clouded, but no shower fell,
Tho' in her lids hung the sweet tears of May;
The open casement press'd a new-leav'd vine,
Let in the budding warmth and throstle's lay;
O Shadows! 'twas a time to bid farewell!
Upon your skirts had fallen no tears of mine.
So, ye three Ghosts, adieu! Ye cannot raise
My head cool-bedded in the flowery grass;
For I would not be dieted with praise,
A pet-lamb in a sentimental farce!
Fade softly from my eyes, and be once more
In masque-like figures on the dreamy urn;
Farewell! I yet have visions for the night,
And for the day faint visions there is store;
Vanish, ye Phantoms! from my idle spright,
Into the clouds, and never more return!
This was the poem "An Ode on Indolence" by John Keats. Amazing poem to begin with. I studied a couple of Keats' poems in School, and although when they were "taught" to me, they seemed boring, but surprisingly when i studied it for my exam they became extremely interesting to the point that it used to take me a complete day to fully
grasp what was being said.
Recently though, on a more deliberate quest to learn, I chose Keats because i had discovered that he died of Manic Depression due to lack of appreciation, failed love and a host of other factors apart from the fact that the guy was also a pretty whiney character. Anyways Ode on Indolence deals with how Keats sees an apparition of 3 maidens
while he is being...well..."indolent".
Why poetry baap of all things...bolkey someone asked (actually noone did, i just did)...The answer lies in the fact that one of my earlier poems has touched a certain "darker" friend of mine..that he wants to make it a sequel to "the one" by metallica...:p . Seriously though, i always have been unusually interested in Poetry...unusual
because...sometimes i think its a bunch of crap...sometimes i think it is "Poetic Genius is....all that is needed to triumph over the destructive, impersonal forces of the modern world" (Courtesy- A commentary on "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Elliot). I am not doing it in the name of academic flamboyancy also, which is again
unusual because generally all of this kinda stuff was read with that motive.
This was the first poem i actually, voluntarily chose to read...and I loved it! The language is kinda Archaic, people dont speak like this anymore..but it lends to it a very antique charm (:p). I first read the poem as it was written, decipher the basic jist of it..read it again to decipher it line by line..because Keats Poetry is like that..every line
is like a whole new poem! (Reference to "Ode to a Grecian Urn..wherein last line maroes "Beauty is Truth, and Truth Beauty..." which was apparently the most debatable line in Keats poems amongst those who studied his poesy"). Anyway, after reading it again and becoming more clearer about the images, sounds, tastes, textures basically the whole media content the poem has to offer. This is very important (for me) while reading a poem, otherwise i get nowhere with it (Reference to Tintern Abbey, where W W asks his sister to come with him and experience nature....possibly the most intense force of imagination involving real senses over there!)
I move on to read a formal commentary on the poem, to fine tune my analysis of it...because some of the language used gets by you.
The poem then....
The first verse describes how Keats, on one morning (i avoid describing the morning....that shall come later)....is disturbed to see three apparitions in front of him. The visions are of three people walking, as if on an "urn"...he can see only a profile of all three figures..and describes how they come recursively, one-by-one, as if he were seeing them while rotating an urn. He also describes the figures to be complaisant. This verse apparently takes reference from the other "Great Odes"....especially "Ode to a Grecian Urn" and also Greek Mythology wherein Phidias is responsible for making the Elgin Marbles....still have to find out about that.
The second verse shows, how Keats was disturbed by the fact that these shadows "creeped upon him" unawares. He asks the visions directly..why they have disturbed him from the ripeness of that lazy summer day...and accuses them of plotting silently to commit a silent task of "nothingness".....The verse also deals with his poetic description of his Indolence...and how his pulse is weakened by a mood of sobriety..etc etc. These are all superficial aspects of the poem, which are pretty good..but if the reader realises the underlying essence...its then u get a feeling of satisfaction...thats atleast what i felt...
The thrid verse is the beginning to the interesting part....Keats sees the apparitions for the third time now...and he takes serious notice of them...he describes them as a sort of evanescence...and his desire to get up from his current state of satisfying indolence to chase these visions. He then starts describing the 3 figures..for he knows them!!!!!
(Silent squeal of curiosity from the reader........)
The First is Love...The second Ambition..with a pale cheek.. The third, the one he loves the most, rather he feels extreme ambivalence toward is Poetry itself..."maiden most unmeek"...i like to think of her...as one who strides with her chin held high...
The fourth stanza is about his ultimate rejection of these three figures, to an acceptance of this indolence...he gives his justification:
"O folly! What is love! and where is it?" - He either is not in love...or is..but it is uni-directional
"And for that poor Ambition! it springs
From a man's little heart's short fever-fit;" - Ambition is mortal, it is temporary..and is more of an adrenalin rush than anything else.
"For Poesy! - no, - she has not a joy, -
At least for me, - so sweet as drowsy noons,
And evenings steep'd in honied indolence; - Poetry...he dismisses as being not as important as his "drowsy noons"..and 'evenings"
"O, for an age so shelter'd from annoy,
That I may never know how change the moons,
Or hear the voice of busy common-sense!" - " Keats was a sorta recluse
At this point i realised the essence, with a little help from the commentary...especially for Keat's rejection of the constant persistence shown byt the personifications of Love,
Ambition and Poetry. Especially in Love, I kinda figured..that Keats wants to stay away from Love....because he doesnt want to be involved in its "excitements"..because this excitement is characterized by indulging in yourself, your life intensely....I was awe-struck by that thought process...because I knew exactly what it felt like...to be
uncomforatable in getting to know yourself or psycho-analyze yourself too much while in the process of Love. A process which I myself was in , and am in right now! Love makes a person do things, he/she cant fully comprehend....and this can be either constructive..or destructive....constructive it will be...when the love is accepted
and....."they live happily ever after"...destructive it is...when this sorta shit happens...psycho-analysis of everything u did or didnt do in trying to acheive that love. Although this concept was kind of obvious to Keats, it was a revelation for me....He quickly dismisses Love, as he knows what it is capable of doing...
Keats according to the Commentary concentrates most of his "Great Odes" over "anguish of mortality"....he is obsessed by the concept of death and hence employs a theme of permanence to good things and an abrupt vanishing (in this case rejection of the three figures)...of bad ones, only to prefer better alternatives (in this
case indolence)...Its almost like an extremely depressed person deliberately looking for happiness and clinging on to it by making everything around him a source of joy, which is stuck in that joyful aura (this is seen very prominently in "Ode to a Grecian Urn").
The 5th and 6th verses describe mainly how the three visions have had only a trivial impact on him...for his indolence is far more satisfying and moist importantly more "long lasting"..than those less "time consuming" yet more exciting aspects of life. But Keats does say, that there will be a time when he will have to face these emotions, these
"voices of Busy Common Sense"....eventually, but not NOW..as " Ye cannot raise My head cool-bedded in the flowery grass;".!!! He then asks these visions to leave and assures them that he will not be bereft of mental imagery, as he has "I yet have visions for the night, And for the day faint visions there is store;"
"Vanish, ye Phantoms! from my idle spright,
Into the clouds, and never more return! " -
This command by him to those visions to vanish...was also very hard-hitting...he actually is commanding his mind to stop catching him unawares by these phantoms...a command i myself have given...for sometime...(SLEEP DISORDER...INSOMNIA..NARCOLEPTIC)
The only difference is, I cant get myself to accept something such as indolence in order to reject Love or Ambition...rather a consummation of those very Phantoms..or a distraction by other equally provocative Apparitions.
//\\ \\//
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: MJ featuring SLASH - Give in to me
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Thoughts dated today:
baap | 17 January 2005, 1:16am
Today the day was filled with signs. Signs, generally which were subjectively motivated rather than objectively presented or rather viewed. Basically today was a day filled with a thought process of things which once were very volatile but now have become inconsequential. Thoughts that would have generaly led to actions, some would turn out good, some not so good. Basically, a private moment with myself was today. A reflection on how things could have been done or undone, some involving people in general, some involving a person in general :p
Anyway, i stumbled across a whole lot of stuff on the way. Irony was one! Fate and Destiny was another, Intensties of religious beliefs among family members..and so on...
Ironic it is when, someone close to you ceases to be close to you when ure listening to a song containing..."I just want to use your love tonight, I don't want to lose your love tonight" (blame Launchcast for the unusual playlist).
Fate and destiny, 2 concepts that i avoid believing becoming such detrimental parts of my life that i have no choice but to belive in what is meant to be and what is not, and hence convince myself that i am helpless in those situations, unable to change them.....no matter what i do, although some part of me still is a non-believer of fate and destiny, that i call hope!
Religious disparities amongst family members can become a very serious matter if not handled properly, it can cause a family to break forever or it can cause them to strengthen their bonds!
Societal Behaviour among peers has also been the theme of thought...which is generally perennial in my case.
A renewed sense of direction as far as driving abilities are concerned
Creative exhaustion in the context of deliberations over colours in my college fest poster.
Fear, as far as my current stand on future is concerned...nay...Doubt is better..i FEAR NONE! :p
False EGO....please refer above
Long awaited FUN..for today's evening activities
Hollowness.....
Emptiness...fast diminishing due to the hum drum of life which causes a constructive and much appreciated distraction
Acceptance....of loss ...includes inanimate things like my favourite pen
Avoidance in regard to intoxicants
Friendship....an excuse
Love.. which tends to screw up everything above
/\ \/
Current Mood: Dismissive
Current Music: Beatles - Yesterday
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The Other one
baap | 14 January 2005, 9:03am
The son who cared too much....
The boy who loved too much...
In an endless quest for an emotional crutch....
Betrayed by Maternal love
Sidelined by the one he loved
This boy, this son was always second
Vagueness sustains him
Frankness plagues him
Always plays a fiddle at his "one's" whim
A straight face is now a keeper
On the inside, he is but a weeper
The hole is dug deeper
He moves from place to place
Changes directions, changes face
All this to keep up with the pace
All the boy wants is to be someone's one.....
...Someone's son
But the other one.....is always there
Watching all the time, unaware
Its only a matter of time
....and time is second to none
"."
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Current Mood: Confused
Current Music: John Lennon - Im Losing you
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On the move...
baap | 7 January 2005, 9:57am
Jeezus...im telling you the world is MOVING and i am looking at it MOVE! No i arent referring to the Tsunamis (cha...obvious bloody cliched reference that would be). True the world did move a couple of weeks back, but i am referring to the strata of life called the human species. More specifically in the human species, my frikkin acquaintances. Everybody i know is literally moving the ladder of progress or recession in life. Fullhyd.com is renovating kathey, cant exactly predict whether that is a step towards progression or otherwise..anyway best of luck guys with that! College is on the move, Cult Fests, Magazines, Newsletters, bloody canteen menus also!
People's lives are on the move, although a fraction of mankind's life did come to an abrupt end (BAH another reference....ditch!). People are progressing, and man are they! Some lives are meritocratically decided, for some romantically decided...for some both!!!! Lucky bastards! For me though, its like the ladder has two broken steps, one up and one down..and im shit scared to climb up or down...cz one mistake could practically land me right UP there with the fraction of humankind (Argh..they still haunt me!)
Technology is on the move! Apparently Sun is developing this new thing which renders graphics through grid computing REMOTELY!!!!!!!!!!! That means, in the not so distant future...ur ISP could handle ur bloody heavy duty processing also! Maki...Imagine..if ur running this high-end game..and ur comp is too lame ass to play it for you, you could simply ask ur ISP to do the crappy work for you! Then there are cellphones, they are always on the move....this new Motorola Razr (wtf "razr" kathey...daym the spelling atrocities corporates commit to avoid copyright defamations!!!) Anyway the razr is soo thin, that it would make one of those anorexic females on FTV go on a super duper heavy duty diet to suit their phone!!!
Media is on the Move....not the whole media industry...thankfully we have the same soaps on Star TV showing more resurrections! But still...Alexander was probably the only movie portraying a gay guy commanding 40,000 straight guys and take over the world! I saw it three times to understand the gravity of that situation (jeez!)
Music is on the Move....Apple Ipod is flooding India's markets....bloody hell 4GB of kaanta laaga types..WHY WHY????? Here as far as Music is concerned, i am seriously STUCK in a time warp...for the past week i havent listened to a song that isnt less than 20 years old...remixed or not!
I am attendiing reunions, school reunions more so, everybody is getting a push into their new lives with new jobs/colleges/degress/girlfriends...not to mention the tidal push made which started the whole thing! (damn that tsunami..which once, i was proud pronouncing...now its a house-hold term). Here i am in one major status-quo...! Not exactly the same as redundancy/stagnation which are inclined more at the depressing part of life, but rather stuck in witnessing freshness if anything like that ever existed!
/\ \/
Current Mood: Bad Hair Day
Current Music: Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark- Dont you forget about me!
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